My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
