Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
