And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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