Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Randomize
