Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
