if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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