The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
