I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
