I'm going to jail i love you
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
