____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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