It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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