Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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