Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Randomize
