dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
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