I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
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