Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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