he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
i want to swaddle you in tequila
There's always time for handjobs
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Randomize
