so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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