She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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