Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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