I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
