I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Randomize
