after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
