I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
