I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
