I hate your face
Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
