apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
i believe in u and ur pee
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
