They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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