We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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