Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
