I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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