based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
