We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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