All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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