My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
