life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
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