I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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