Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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