the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Randomize
