Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
