If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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