So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
