Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
All the doctor said was why
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
there is glitter all over my balls
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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