At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
