Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
