You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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