She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
