I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
being pregnant is like rehab
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
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