I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
