If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I have post one night stand depression
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