I am puke
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
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