So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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