she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
