My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
